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Tips Off Host Patty
Recently I’ve been inundated with hundreds, no, thousands of pieces of fan mail asking me how to ‘woo’ the opposite sex. I want to take this opportunity to set the record straight. Firstly, yes I do extremely well with the ladies. Secondly, no I’m not taken. Thirdly, no I’m not into dudes. Now with that settled, allow me to give you some advice on how to be successful in picking up in clubs. Will it make you as studly as myself? No. But it certainly will put you on the right path.
The first and most important advice I can give is not set your standards too high. Everyone yearns for a Jessica Alba, Jessica Simpson or Jessica Biel type, but it’s not going to happen… with any Jessica! Try to approach someone who is as good-looking or less good looking as you. The popular 1-10 system never fails. So inspect your appearance in the mirror. Look long and hard and rate yourself. Be your harshest critic. Don’t let any of your friends tell you that you are hot, they’re most likely lying or intoxicated. Once you obtain your own rank, you have a number to aim for.
Now you might think that ‘true love is blind’ and ‘beauty is in the eye of the beholder’. Really Mr/Mrs Romance? Don’t believe me? Have a geeze at wedding pictures in your local rag. Every couple is on par in the looks department. All the hunky former male models are with the beauty students, all the IT experts are with the fish and chip shop ladies. On the rare occasion you see a couple that disputes this theory. The uglier of the two has either got some serious ‘bank’ or some magic fingers.
Once you have picked out your aesthetic equal to approach, remember that most pubs and clubs aren’t very well lit. I believe it has something to do with Earth Hour’s influence. However most have the disco lights blazing, so before you make the first move, wait until a neon light shines on his/her face to get a good look.
Okay, listen up lads (ladies skip to the next paragraph). When you approach the ladies, you don’t want to seem over-confident; you want to seem cocky as-all-hell! An asshole, if you will. Chicks dig it! The reasons why they do are long and varied and for a different article, just believe me, it’s like clockwork! And don’t think for a second that the guys acting arrogant are compensating for lack of girth downstairs. That is wrong, I don’t know who came up with that, but I think I heard Trent saying it once.
Your turn chikitas (skip to the next paragraph, blokes). I'm struggling to figure out why I need to write advice for you ladies. You’ve got it so easy! All you have to say to a guy is “you, me, backseat, now.” Unbelievably, some women still haven’t got a grasp on that, so here’s what to do: be fake. Men and women are so different that sometimes I think it would be easier being gay. Find out what the man of your fancy is into, then show the slightest interest in it. For example, boxing - casually mention that you saw Butterbean make mince meat out of Lennox Lewis last night. The man will automatically think you are the Unicorn of love, never thought to have been real, but he has no other choice than to believe it.
Beyond that, you must seal the deal with some smooth sweet-talking. Personally, my failsafe line consists of pointing to my face and saying “recognise this?” Though I sense this may not work for the few of you who don’t host your own TV show. So here’s a backup plan. The Five Questions of Success:
1. What’s your name?
2. Where are you from?
3. Do you come here often?
4. What’s that smell? Oh it’s you. You smell nice.
5. Your house or mine?It’s a done deal! You are welcome.
I can hear you all screaming at your monitors, “but Host Pat, where do I go from here? What’s the next step?!” Jeez you are a needy bunch. Look, it’s simple:
Court for a few weeks. Dump. Repeat.- Host Pat.