Dr Reckless' Financial Advice - In Wollongong Tonight

Dr. Reckless is in the house; the house on the end of Wall St next to Al Gore’s Green House and across from George W’s White House. But you see the most reckless evil villain in Wollongong, Dr Reckless, can only deal with one issue at a time. So pay attention before I get bored of this topic which will be….

*Flip a coin to clinch a three-way deadlock*

… The economic recession!

*Note: If anyone is aware some sort of universal remote control that allows me to deal with multiple issues at a time that actually exists, let me know. I think JB HI-FI might have one.

Now, what was I evilly mulling over? Ah yes, the doomed economy! Doomed I tell you! MWUAHAHAHAHAAAA!!

Ahem, firstly, I’d just like to pass on my congratulations to the fat cats on Wall Street. Bravo. I mean, I pride myself on being reckless, but you guys really take the cake. The way you treated the stock market like your own personal casino, year after year… Mwaa! Bellissimo!

Now, some men of so-called common sense, perhaps even the blasted Common Sense Man himself, have probably given you some “common sense” advice by now. These fear mongers might say “times are going to get tougher”, “spend money on what you need, not what you want.” Let me tell you, I am in the fear mongering game myself and this is no way to act in a time of crisis. It’s only natural to go crazy, lose all inhibitions and perhaps even riot. Wollongong could use another old-fashioned riot.

You’re probably asking yourself, “should I halt my pez dispenser collecting? Do I continue throwing out cutlery after use as usual? Can I still afford this year’s membership for the Evil Villains of Australia Club?” Dr. Reckless says don’t panic. Go wild at the checkout!

No to common sense – give away your cents.

I’m living proof. I bought 70 Bic razors the other day from GoLo. I don’t even need ONE! I use an electric and I don’t shave my legs, much to the dismay of my girlfriend, Jennif – whoops, almost gave away some privileged info there. Keeping a secret identity isn’t exactly my strength because even with information, I can be… reckless!

There I go again, letting my mind wander. I really need that remote! Maybe they have some on sale at Tandy.

Anyway, if you are thinking Dr. Reckless’ plan is too good to be true, let me re-assure you, the Crowned Prince of Careless is not as silly as he looks. Money doesn’t last forever, so here are some things that you can skim on:

Medical: If you have a cough or the sniffles, tough it out! Go to your place of business and work it off. It’s called the “Common Cold” because you’re not special for having it, therefore not important. Who needs medicine? Jimmy Barnes survived 20 years on the road digesting nothing but porridge and vodka, maybe he’s on to something.

Education: Mums and Dads, this one is killing two birds with one stone. Feeling unattached to your teenage children? Does Sally act more like an Emo than the ‘Daddy’s little girl’ that you remember? Is Timmy so into video games and masturbating that he has lost respect for you and perhaps even his eyesight? Try telling them they don’t have to go to school anymore. Watch the joy illuminate their eyes as they embrace you in a big family hug. You can watch your children grow in your very own make-shift classroom as you feel your wallet getting fatter everyday.

Just relax, you’ll be a great teacher for your children. I was home schooled and I turned out fine. Sure I may be a super villain, but I haven’t killed anyone yet. That’s mainly because certain stupid blasted super heroes without any stupid super powers keep saving the day for my stupid victims… but still I don’t know if I could actually go through with it. I mean, it’s a big deal actually taking someone’s life. All I ever wanted to do was live in a world without rules and maybe buy some Columbo DVDs when they’re on sale at Kmart even though I don’t need or want them.

I’m wandering again, but you can see where I’m going with this. So to you the citizens of Wollongong I say, happy spending!